I don’t know where to start with this post. All I know is that I need to start somewhere.
As I sit writing this, it’s been exactly four months to the day since I last hit publish. All that comes to mind is how much can change in such a short amount of time. Even if it’s just one thing, the impact of that one thing can change your life like you never imagined. Four months sounds like such a minuscule period of time in the grand scheme of our lives, and yet you look back and it can feel like a decade.
I want to always approach this blog with honesty and transparency. I want to talk about my and my family’s successes, failures, interests, activities, highs, and lows. With that said, there’s some things that are just too much. Too hard. Too raw.
A large part of my sharing comes from the awareness that most of the people who read this blog are family and friends. As such, most of the people are aware of what our family endured 10 days after I published my last blog post. With that said, I don’t plan on elaborating further. Out of respect for what happened and my family, I’ll simply leave it at that. What I will elaborate on is the aftermath.
Tragedy is such an interesting part of life. I say it’s a part of life because I think that 99% of people will experience it in one form or another within their lifetime. With that said, you don’t ever see it coming. It’s like getting hit by a bus, and no one can predict what state they’ll be in afterward until it knocks on their door. All I can do is speak to my own feelings and headspace, and immediately following those first few days and then weeks were feelings that I didn’t know how to handle. I had a life to lead, a job to do, and a child to take care of, all of which I did. But, the way in which I did so was a complete 180 to the person I was before. How insanely complex we are as humans and the things our brain is capable of in order to mentally protect us when we’re in emotionally distraught states. At its core, it is survival.
I don’t want to say that each day gets better. I can say that each day is different. Some days are amazing, and some days are hard. Some days I can go hours without getting caught in my head, and others I’m so overwhelmed with emotion that it’s debilitating. I don’t want that to always be the case, though. I’ve spent the last four months thinking in ways that I’ve never before. Tragedy, whether in good ways or bad, forces you to approach your life in a different way. If there’s one thing that has impacted me more than others is that (cliche, I know, but who cares) LIFE IS SHORT. LIFE IS PRECIOUS. WHAT ARE WE DOING IF NOT LIVING IT RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW WHILE WE HAVE THE CHANCE?
Seriously, though? What are we doing? Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem admitting that living was the last thing I was doing back in May. That was pure survival mode. I was waking in the mornings at the last possible second needed to get myself and my kid out the door. I went to work. I came home. I drowned my thoughts in books and television because I was afraid of being in my own head. I’m not saying that I now jump out of bed with an exuberance for life every single day. That’s not realistic. Most weeks are day-in and day-out routine, and that’s okay. It’s okay because while I may be going through the motions a lot of my days, I am grateful. I’m grateful for the sweet, sleepy 3yo morning kisses. I’m grateful for a good cup of coffee. I’m grateful for “good morning” texts. I’m grateful for a good book. I’m grateful. I’m grateful. I’m grateful. And why? It could all be gone tomorrow. Nothing and no one in this life is guaranteed. Soak up every last second as much as you can.
So, with that said, I’m back. I need to write. I need to share. I need to engage in this forum again. I have an entire summer’s worth of birthdays, vacations, and holidays to share with you. Stay tuned.
Until next time…
Dedicated with all my love to KAG. Your light lives on.
“I am with you always.” – Matthew 28:20
