Regression

This feels like it’s going to be more journal entry than blog post. I’ve boarded the struggle bus, and I’m trying to figure out how to get off of it before it goes very far.

I’ve mentioned in a previous post that I am THE WORST at never finishing a thing I set out to do. I spend a few weeks or months doing well, and then something happens and it either tapers off or I just stop entirely. I can literally feel that shift happening in my mind as I write this, which is why I’m sitting here. This post was supposed to be about something completely different, but I didn’t have time to get it written at the normally scheduled time I write my posts for the week. Now I see that it’s because I would feel the need to get what I’m actually going through out of my head.

My regression happens in steps. It started this week when I didn’t sit down to write a blog post on Tuesday. Normally I write all of my posts over the weekend and schedule them to go out so I don’t have to worry about it, but I had family in town over the weekend and pushed writing the posts to later. Later came and went and I did nothing about it. The next step came Wednesday when I didn’t get up and workout. It is rare that I don’t workout. If I had been writing this three months ago? Oh you can bet I wouldn’t be working out, but that was a significant change in my life and I’ve been diligent about moving my body every single day. I spend five days a week doing a true workout, and then the other two still getting my body moving somehow (taking a walk, riding my skateboard, etc). So for me to choose to stay in bed and sleep another 45 minutes? RED FLAG. Finally, I could just feel it in my attitude. I have little patience (and I don’t have much normally). I’m losing my temper at the drop of a hat (you should have heard me yelling at other drivers yesterday morning 🤦🏻‍♀️). I don’t want to be positive. I don’t want to do anything beyond eat and sleep.

I’ve battled a mild form of depression since I was a teenager. I used to be on medication for it, but realized fairly quickly that I didn’t need it. My bad times weren’t long or rough enough to warrant it. With that said, my bad times look a lot like what I’ve described above. I struggle immensely with doing anything other than what I absolutely have to to get through the day. What’s worse is although I know some things I can do to help pull myself in the right direction, even for a short time long enough to help me complete a task like workout, I just won’t do it because I don’t want to. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s honest.

Now this is where I should turn this thing around and start listing out all the reasons why and how I can pull myself out of this. But I’m going to be honest with all of you: I don’t want to. This blog isn’t about me posting pretty pictures and writing pretty words. It’s about being truthful with where I am and what I’m doing. I have good days/weeks/months and I’ll write about those. But I also have bad days/weeks/months and I’ll write about those, too.

So, as I sit here at 4:37a writing this post, I feel an eensy bit better about at least making this effort. I also know I’m going to close this up and go workout before getting ready for work (another baby step in the right direction). How that will continue throughout the day? We’ll see. My mind is still a little dark, but I hope you’re all okay with that. If not? Then you’ve stumbled along the wrong blog to follow, because I don’t plan on sugar-coating a thing. This is me.

Until next time…